Team Pre Marital Hex
Actor: Daniel Faulkner, Gerald Hill, Krissi Williams, Courtney Taylor, Ocean, Justin Fife, Ian Knowles, David Ault, Loretta Chang
Sound Design: Ian Knowles
Director: Ian Knowles, Justin Fife
Writer: Ian Knowles, Cassandra Lee
Composer: Insiya A. Foda
Producer: Ian Knowles, Justin Fife
Act 1 Scene 1
[Scene begins in the forest at night. Our human main character (Sas) is out “squatching” with his friends]
*Night vision goggles kick on*
Sas
(whispering and talking in a youtube / frat boy tone)
This is Sas comin’ at you from Eaglepoint Forest. There are rumors surrounding the woods in this area. Strange howling, large shadows moving at the corner of your vision, spooky stuff. We’ve found large footprints and even *squelch as he steps in shit* ewwww, large droppings… But I can feel it, tonight we will catch bigfoot.
*twigs snap (bigfoot aka Todd)*
Todd
(whisper)
Shit!
Sas
Holy… What was that?!
(elated)
Oh my god it might actually be bigfoot!
*clicks on flashlight*
Sas
Hellooooo? Is anyone there?
*jump scare Todd roars in Sas’ face*
Sas
(yelling)
AAAAAAAHHHHHH!
*bushes and trees shuffle as Todd runs away*
Sas
Wow… that was a real bigfoot. Like really real.
*Sas sniffs around*
Sas
Man, he really smells bad too… Wait… No, that’s definitely me. I hope I got that on camera for you guys to see. I gotta chase after him!
*Sas romps through the forest following Todd*
Sas
Mr. Bigfoot! I just wanna check you out man! Dang, where did he-
*inspects tracks*
Sas
Broken branches, with fresh hair on them. I think we found where his lair is. Would you guys look at that! A cave nestled between those trees. I know this is kind of a mood-killer, but if I die, tell my mom bigfoot is real. Tell her I died doing what I love, I was felled in the pursuit of truth in a world of mystery. And tell my step dad Scott he’s an asshole, and he’ll never be my real dad.
*sounds of low howling come from the cave and the warbly electric sound of a portal opening*
Sas
Are you guys seeing what I’m seeing?! It really is bigfoot and he’s… stepping into a green portal of some kind. I’m probably going to regret this, but I have to do this for cryptozoologists everywhere, for my mom, for myself… but definitely not for th at asshole Scott!
*approaches the portal and touches it*
Sas
Woah it feels… tingly. Well, I guess it’s now or ne-
*weird noises warble all around as Sas gets teleported*
Scene 2
[Sas is transported to a field where it appears a great battle is taking place. A giant muddy field filled with blood and garbage.]
*Sas splashes in mud*
Sas
Aww man, these are my best squatchin pants! WOah where the hell am I?!
*clashing monsters head towards Sas*
Sas
Are those m-m-monsters! Aaaaaah!
*runs to the locker room*
Sas
What is a locker room doing out here? I’ll just hide out here for a bit.
*door bangs open*
Referee (ogre race)
Huuuuumaaaan. I can smellllll you.
Sas
Oh crap oh crap! C’mon c’mon!
*Tries open different lockers until one unlocks*
Sas
Yes! I’ll hide in this locker.
Referee
Humaaaaaaannn.
*ref sniffs the air then keeps walking past*
Sas
Phew
*door bursts open pulling sas out*
Referee
There you are!
Sas
PLEASE DON’T EAT ME!
Referee
What? Ew. No thanks, humans are gross. Had a big lunch anyways. Here, put this on and get out there!
Sas
Is this real armor?
Referee
Yeah sorry it isn’t exactly your size but, ya know, you shouldn’t even be here so…
Sas
Wait, why do I need this?
Referee
Get out there before I gut you!
Sas
Ahhh ok ok.
*as Sas walks out there is cheering and the sounds of monster bodies breaking against each other*
Sas
Woaaaahhh. What is this?
Referee
It’s the big show skin sack. Your on team mold. Go beat the piss out of team splinter. The team that loses is eliminated. The rest of you move on. Good luck!
Sas
Wait I-
*shoves Sas into the mud*
Sas
Not the squatchin pants again! You ripped the cargo pocket off! All right I guess I’ll just jump in.
Todd
Human!? Aw dude what the frick are you doin here man? Just, I don’t know, stay outta the way.
*Sas getting tossed around*
Sas
Ouch, oof, I’m trying!
Todd
Whatever you do, stay away from the orb. If you catch it, give it to me!
Medusa
SSSSSSSSS no human, give it to MEEEEE!
Todd
That’s Medusa, total bitch. Don’t look at her or you’ll turn stoned.
Sas
How do I get out of here!?
Todd
Well you were dumb enough to take the portal so you’ve officially opted into the game.
Sas
What game?
Todd
The Monster Mash! What else? Geez would’ve thought you knew all about it. You guys sing the anthem all the time in the human world. THE ORB IS LOOSE, MOVE!
Sas
You got it! Now what?!
Todd
Protect me while I head to the endzone!
*Medusa hisses and gets in front of Todd*
Medusa
Look into my eyes!
Todd
Heck no man!
Medusa
I got monster og kush
Todd
Woah really?!
Medusa
Hahaha you idiot!
Todd
Dang man. I’m already toasty. Here bruh take the orb. GO score little man I gotta take a nap.
Sas
What!? Screw it, I’m taking the orb!
Medusa
No ssssstop human!
Sas
I’m outta here lady!
Monster 1
Hey get that puny human!
Monster 2
GO LITTLE MEAT SACK GOOO!
Medusa
You moronssss he’sss gonna sssscore!
*crowd cheers as he crosses into the endzone scoring*
Referee
Mold Wins!
Sas
I did it! I REALLY DID IT! WOOOOOO! Oh yeah! GO SAS! GO SAS!
Todd
Wow he’s really celebrating. Hey lil dude be careful with that orb it’s-
*orb breaks and thousands of spiders erupt from the orb*
Sas
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Todd
A spider sac.
Scene 3
[transition to announcers]
*sports center sound effect knockoff*
Min O’tar
OOOOO rookie move on the field even for a weak dumb human. You gotta watch that spider sac Reston!
Reston Peese
Yeah Min you certainly do! There’s only a thin membrane protecting you from weeks of the heebie jeebies and arachnid fueled night terrors.
Min O’tar
Too true, too true. Welcome to the end of event one of the Monster Mash Live! We are your hosts Min O’tar and Reston Peese. Egg Sac Clash has concluded with a surprising win from team mold including a resounding goal from an unexpected human.
Reston Peese
Certainly unexpected Min. He’s really gonna spoil some of our viewers’ dark fantasy leagues, as mold was predicted to be destroyed by team splinter with overwhelming odds. Now all of those contestants are eliminated and it’s time for event number two!
Min O’tar
Yes Reston, our participants are vying for quite a coveted prize this year! But! It’s a secret. My lips are sealed!
Reston Peese
Mine too MIn.
Min O’tar
I would believe you Reston, but seeing as how you’re a floating skull on fire, you have no lips to seal.
Reston Peese
Right you are Min, I’m also a lying bastard.
*Both chuckle*
(need both VOs to lay down some laughs)
Min O’tar
(flatly almost whispered)
You really are a piece of shit.
Scene 4
[Todd and Sas are in the locker room together]
Todd
Dangit man, I told you not to touch the orb. And why the hell are you stalkin me anyways bro?
Sas
I had to see if you were real I-
Todd
Yeah yeah yeah. I hear it all the time. Honestly it’s a lil played out even for humans.
Sas
So what happened back there? I thought you were gonna turn to stone?
Todd
What? Who the hell said that?
Sas
The legend of Medusa is she turns you to stone if you gaze upon her face.
Todd
Naw man, she GETS you stoned. Totally messes with your focus. I just wanted to vibe out there after I sneaked a peek.
Sas
You have to admit though, I did pretty good!
Todd
You lucked out dude. You’re a weak lil turd. And now the rules state that I’m your chaperone. Because you slipped through my portal, now I’m responsible for you.
Sas
You could have at least lied to me.
Todd
Doesn’t matter anyways. I was gonna coast and score this prize but now I gotta drag you across the finish line.
Sas
Screw you I didn’t ask for this and I’m the one who got us the win!
*buzzer goes off and ref enters*
Referee
Alright Ding dongs let’s get out there for event number two! It’s time for the potato sack race!
Sas
That’s it? A potato sack race?
Referee
To the top of Bloodskull Mountain!
Sas
Oh no…
Act 2 Scene 1
[cuts to Sas in a sack with Todd at the starting line]
Todd
We have to be in the same sack. This is gonna be awful.
Sas
At least it’s not a spider sack.
*quiet for a beat*
Hey I’m trying to lighten the mood.
Referee
Racers get ready!
Sas
Listen bigfoot, I’m sorry. I invaded your space. I went through your portal thing. I ruined your gameplan. If I’m good at one thing, it’s ruining things.
Todd
Well, it’s not like I’m helping you out much by being a bitchy betsy.
Sas
I never introduced myself, I’m Sas. My full name is Sasquatch.
Todd
(offended)
Woah! That’s our word!
Sas
Really?!
Todd
Yeah that’s a slur man.
Sas
Oh my god I’m sorry. I just loved your legend so much I legally changed my name.
Todd
I’m just calling you Sas.
Sas
That’s cool.
Referee
Here are the rules racers!
Sas
So do I call you bigfoot?
Todd
God no, bigfoot is my dad. Call me Todd.
Sas
Todd?
Referee
Ok dinguses. Rules are simple. Two monsters to a sack. No flying! Yeah I’m looking at you Jersey Devil!
Jersey Devil
(Jersey accent)
Why are you always bustin’ my balls huh?
Referee
FIrst 10 teams to get to the end win. On your mark. Get Set. GO!
*flare fires and the potato sack is making major leaps and bounds as Todd hops*
Sas
Wow bigfoot er, Todd. You’re really tearin it up! We are halfway there already!
Todd
I never skip leg day!
Sas
Todd! The Jersey Devil is cheating! He’s gonna fly right past us!
*wings beating*
Todd
Not if I can help it!
Jersey Devil
Hey watch it, I’m racin ovah here!
Todd
You’re cheating!
Jersey Devil
Doesn’t mean much coming from a sasquatch!
Sas
*gasps* You can’t say that that’s his word!
Todd
You’re damn right lil buddy. Let’s ram him! Take this!
Jersey Devil
Woah woah woah! I was just messin’ around!
*rams Jersey and hurdles him down the mt.*
Jersey Devil
Ahhhhhhhhh!
(I’ll taper the yell in editing)
*Todd and Sas cross the finish line*
*Buzzer goes off*
Sas
We did it big guy and we placed in the top 5!
Todd
Heck yes! Just one more event before the finals!
Scene 2
[Transition back to commentators]
Reston Peese
Holy block of mole cheese! The human eeks out another high placement!
Min O’tar
I think the saying is holy guacamole Reston.
Reston Peese
No, that would be cultural appropriation.
Min O’tar
How bout this Reston, I’ll place a sombrero on my head and beat you to death with maraccas…
*Quiet for a beat*
Anyways, back to the semi finals! The crowd is exhilarated for our most dangerous task yet! (foreboding tone) Event three! KILLSHELTER!
Scene 3
Referee
Ok dingleberries, this is the most grueling slog of a challenge we have. This separates the men from the boys. The carp from the sharks. Draculas from the Dracula 3000s.
Dracula
Hey! Coolio tried, ok?
Referee
Shut up Drac it was a compliment. On my mark you must collect as many beasts as you can and corral them into their bin.
Sas
How bad can it be?
Todd
You have no idea.
Referee
Everyone takes a bag. The only sustenance known to satiate such beasts. God and Satan help you all.
*insert required phonic sound here as treat bags jingling*
Sas
Are these dog treats?
Referee
Release the mauling mongrels!
*puppies run out barking*
Dracula
Ahhhh! Get that fuzzy little shit away from me!
Todd
Oh god please deliver us from evil!
Monster 3
The hellhound seeks to rend my flesh!
*puppies bark*
Sas
What the hell is everyone’s deal? They’re just puppies hahaha. Hey little guy, come here! (baby talk) OH you soooo snuggggllllyyyy
*kisses puppies*
Todd
Hey, they’re not so bad.
Monster 3
What kind of sorcery is this?
Dracula
I don’t know how his skin isn’t stripped from the bone!
*Buzzer*
Referee
Um… ok. Sas and Todd win by a landslide. Please take a seat while the next heat commences.
Dracula
I don’t want this again.
Swampthing
Quit complaining Dracula!
Dracula
Shut up Swamp-ass
Swampthing
SWAMP! THING!
Referee
Release the mauling mongrels!
Dracula
Fuck this i’m out!
*Transforms into a bat and flies off*
Referee
Ok, so I guess it’s swampas- thing and Todd to the finals.
Scene 4
[transition to commentators]
Reston Peese
Shocking skill shown to us by both Swampthing and Todd’s little flesh satchel.
Min O’tar
I hope you’re talking about his human Reston.
Reston Peese
No Min, I’m talking about his fat hairy nutsack… Yes, I mean his human. How will they fare in the final event, DEATHMATCH!
Act 3 Scene 1
[Move to locker room with Sas and Todd]
Todd
Great job in there Sas, you killed it.
Sas
What’s that in your fur?
Todd
Oh, you saw that? I thought maybe I would take a puppy.
Sas
Aww hey lil guy.
*puppy yips*
Sas
Maybe I should grab one too! Wait, where did they all go?
Todd
Sas, the event was called kill shelter…
Sas
Where are they dumping all of them!?
Todd
Into the mouth of the Grogulex… duh…
Sas
That’s awful!
Todd
Eh.
Referee
It’s time you steaming piles of dung. Get ready for Creature Combat! It’s a deathmatch.
Sas
Will she ever run out of ways to call us poop?
Todd
Not likely.
Swampthing
Good luck pipsqueaks.
Sas
I did not realize how much bigger than us he is.
Todd
Just do your best buddy. Humans may not believe in me, but I believe in us!
Sas
That’s beautiful Todd.
Scene 2
[The final arena featuring Todd and Sas vs Swampthing]
Referee
Allright chuckleheads.
Sas
Hey it wasn’t poop!
Todd
Hmm.
Referee
No weapons, no rules, you lose by death or surrender! Let’s get it on!
*Swampthing grunts as he lunges forward*
Swampthing
Come here you!
Sas
Aaaaaahhhh
*Swamp grabs Sas and throws him*
Todd
You can’t just Toss my human like that!
Swampthing
What are you gonna do about it?
*Todd throws some blows*
Swampthing
HAHAHAHA. You can’t hurt me!
*swamp whacks Todd hurtling him away too*
Sas
Todd! NO!
Swampthing
Poor little Todd, I’m gonna make you watch while I pop your greasy little human like a pimple!
Todd
No! Please!
*swamp picks up Sas and chokes him*
Sas
Ugh don’t worry about… me… Kick… his… swamp-ass.
Todd
Sas…
*quiet for a beat*
STOP! We give in. I yield.
Swampthing
You truly make it this far just to quit? All for this human? You’ve really fallen off Todd. Even so, I accept your resignation.
*Buzzer*
Referee
Your winner of the monster mash! Swampthing!
Todd
You ok buddy?
Sas
Yeah thanks, I’m fine. Sorry you didn’t get the prize. What was it by the way?
Todd
Let’s find out.
*Todd lifts Sas onto his shoulders*
*crowd cheers and gets quiet as thunder rumbles*
Referee
Alright you skidmarks make way for your monster mash gaming commissioner, Dark Lord Angoliath.
Angoliath
Which one of thou creatures hast become champion?
Swampthing
It is I oh Dark Lord, Swampthing. What gift will you bestow upon me?
Angoliath
The ultimate gift a lesser being can achieve.
Swampthing
Is this a worm?
Angoliath
Yes, consume it so that you shall know ascendance.
Swampthing
Bet.
*crunches in mouth*
(with mouth partially full)
Gotta admit, it’s kinda bussin’
Angoliath
Now it shall burrow into your brain and you shall join the collective consciousness of Angoliath usurper of worlds.
Swampthing
AAAAAAhhhhhhh!
*burrowing noises almost like a drill*
Angoliath
Come Swamp-ass, join me in oblivion!
*they fade into darkness together*
Sas
Wow… kinda glad we didn’t win.
Todd
Ha, yeah I guess we dodged a bullet there. Oh look, the puppies are ready!
Sas
I thought they were all fed to that gurglething?
Todd
Yeah, the Grogulex converts them into werewolves. Sheesh you make it sound like we’re evil or something. Although, there we go.
Sas
Did you just switch your puppy for a werewolf puppy?
Todd
Oh definitely this one is way cooler. I’ll name him… Dave.
Sas
Wow. Let’s just go home.
Scene 4
[Sas and Todd are in the woods where they first met]
Todd
Well Sas you’re not bad for a human.
Sas
Thanks Todd. Mind if we get a selfie before I head out? The guys won’t believe I met Bigf- you Todd.
Todd
Sure no prob!
*camera shutter snap*
Sas
I’ll be seeing ya Todd!
Todd
Hey Sas, we did the mash.
Sas
We did the monster mash.
Scene 5
[Sas is at a friends house]
Sas
Dude, I’m telling you! I met a bigfoot! His name was Todd!
Friend
Ok Sas, listen I think you’re dehydrated or something man.
Sas
Look, I have a selfie with him! See? What what the-
Friend
Cool blurry picture man.
Sas
I swear- I-
*phone rings monster mash tune maybe*
Sas
Hello?
Todd
Hey Sas it’s me!
Sas
Todd! Our selfie is blurry and no one believes I met you!
Todd
Yeah I have that effect on cameras. Listen, there’s a new secret tournament-
Sas
Say no more, I’m in!