Scene 1
CALLER ONE
[THINLY-VEILED PANIC] I seem to have run into a problem. [WORRIED LAUGHTER] And well when I looked it up on google your number was the first. I seem, well, I seem to have toes growing out of my fingers. Would you know-
[PROMPT HANGING UP OF THE PHONE. OPENING MUSIC]
Scene 2
[THE PHONE RINGS. CIRCE PICKS UP]
CIRCE
[UPBEAT] Hello, this is the Hexpress Hotline. You sex it, we hex it. How can I help?
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
[SLOWLY, GUTTURAL] Ughhh… Circeee
CIRCE
[WORRIED] Excuse me?
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
[OMINOUS] I’m outside.
[SMASHING GLASS]
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
I’m now inside. [WALKING OVER THE GLASS] I know where you are. I have something for you. And I don’t think you’ll like it, but it’s what you deserve.
CIRCE
[RELAXING] Hi, Brendan Grindle from HR. You know you can just leave it outside.
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
Uhh, I have a package. I’m in.
CIRCE
[EXCITED] Is it my leeches?
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
Maybe… Do you want me to look?
CIRCE
No, Brendan Grindle from HR, remember what I told you.
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
Mmm.
CIRCE
After they got released in the office last time, the Baron wasn’t happy.
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
Hmmmm… So do you want them inside?
CIRCE
[SIGHING] Just leave them at the office door.
[THE BOX IS THROWN TO THE GROUND]
CIRCE
[TIREDLY] Oh my Satan.
[BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR WALKS BACK OVER THE BROKEN GLASS. THE DOOR CREAKS AS HE OPENS IT]
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
The door, it was unlocked. Hmmm…
[CIRCE HANGS UP. THE BARON JUMPS ONTO CIRCE’S LAP. HE MEOWS]
CIRCE
Oh Baron, what will we do with him?
[THE BARON MEOWS AGAIN AND BEGINS TO PURR]
[CHEERFUL TRANSITION MUSIC PLAYS]
SCENE 3
VOICE MAIL
You have one new message. Beep.
MĕrlĮn
[OVERWHELMINGLY UPBEAT] Hey girlie, it’s Merlin (mispronounced “Muhleen”) . Love your work, like love your work. But I’ve just done a quick google search, and it seems that you are also a witch coven? That’s just so crazy! I’ve been running my own independent small business witch coven associate business on my own on the side, and it’s like really hard! So you can just imagine my surprise when your number comes up before mine on google? I’ve been trying really hard at this business for like at least two months now, so I think I’m just a lil confused is all. And we love to see it, a real girlboss move on your behalf, so happy to see another sister thrive. But you see, I’m a real Scorpio and I can’t not be special. And, you know, a town with two witches- it’s just not slay. I know you’re a gemini, I can feel it. And the crystals have just been telling me these crazy things about geminis! I just think your business would be better suited to somewhere not here. Yeah? And you’re a cancer moon, I checked your birthchart, so I know you’d be willing to cooperate sis, and give your coven over to me! Anyways, I’ve got a lot of clients I need to get back to now. Like, so many clients, you wouldn’t believe. Love you queen! Hope to see you never! Hugs and Kisses, your BFFL, Merlin.
[BEEP]
CIRCE
[ANNOYED] I’m a pisces
[CHEERFUL TRANSITION MUSIC PLAYS]
SCENE 4
[THE PHONE RINGS]
CIRCE
[OVER RINGING, SLIGHTLY ANNOYED] Yes Baron, I know, you’re very cute but I need to answer this so if you could just-
[THE BARON IS MOVED OF CIRCE’S DESK. HE MEOWS AGITATEDLY]
CIRCE
Hello, we’re Hexpress Hotline. You’ve got an ex, we’ve got a hex. What can I do for you today?
CALLER TWO
Hello there. See my girlfriend cheated at scrabble and now I want one of your curses.
GIRLFRIEND
[ANNOYED] No I didn’t, it’s in the Urban Dictionary!
CALLER TWO
[THROUGH GRITTED TEETH] That doesn’t count!
GIRLFRIEND
It does count! It counted last week, when you did it.
CAllER TWO
You know how seriously I take scrabble! I would never cheat. [PAUSE] Never.
GIRLFRIEND
Really? You cheat at everything. You cheat at jenga. You cheat at Risk. And you definitely cheat at scrabble.
CIRCE
Oh well, you sound like you’re in a real shake-up. Can I recommend the word vomit special? The stars are really aligned for it tonight. [UNSURE] I think it very much fits your circumstances?
CALLER TWO
Sounds perfect.
GIRLFRIEND
You’re really going to break up with me over Scrabble?
CIRCE
The word vomit special! Partner won’t stop talking?
CALLER TWO
[SPEAKING OVER TERMS AND CONDITIONS] She knows how important scrabble is to me.
CIRCE
Take the words right out of their mouth with this special hex!
CALLER TWO
[TO GIRLFRIEND] You know how important it is to me! It was the last thing he said to me-
CIRCE
It can only be performed on a full moon,
GIRLFRIEND
[INTERRUPTING] Oh my god
CIRCE
and cannot be reversed! Side effects include: prolonged periods of silence, odorous smell and feelings of existential dread.
CALLER TWO
[OVER THE TOP OF THE T&C’S, EMOTIONAL] The last thing that my dad ever told me was to do what he never could, to become the Scrabble Champion. Right before he got on that plane to the Bahamas and never came back.
CIRCE
[TALKING OVER THE ARGUMENT VERY QUICKLY] Terms and Conditions are applicable to all hexes from the Hexpress Hotline, any loss of lovers, limbs or life is of your own discretion and we cannot be held liable!
GIRLFRIEND
This isn’t about him. This is about us!
CALLER TWO
This is about SCRABBLE!
GIRLFRIEND
But you know I hate Scrabble!
CALLER TWO
You could have just lied to me! [PAUSE] You could have pretended.
CIRCE
[STILL TALKING OVER] We do not offer exchanges, all prices are final and any issues should be taken up through the Seelie Court.
GIRLFRIEND
[SIGHING] Natasha
CIRCE
[STILL TALKING OVER] There may be occasions where we need to provide your personal data to the supreme overlords. For example, your name, date of hex, and any agreed medical information.
CALLER TWO
And I know Scrabble isn’t the only thing you’ve been cheating on.
CIRCE
[STILL TALKING OVER] Failure to pay on time is a breach of the Contract.
GIRLFRIEND
[GASP] Don’t bring Francis into this.
CIRCE
[STILL TALKING OVER] Any disputes regarding payment or otherwise will result in the termination of the contract, and possibly also your soul.
Happy hexing!
CALLER TWO
I saw you laundering Monopoly money with them last Tuesday!
GIRLFRIEND
And so what? You’ve been flirting with our DM to get better rolls!
CIRCE
[STILL TRYING] Happy Hexing?
CALLER TWO
[AGHAST] I did it for us.
GIRLFRIEND
[DISMISSIVE] You did it for XP!
[CIRCE TYPING]
CIRCE
Shall I just get that spell sent over to you now?
CALLER TWO
Please.
GIRLFRIEND
You’re being ridiculous.
CALLER TWO
Oh you would know about ridiculous.
CIRCE
That hex should be coming over to you just now.
[AUTOMATICALLY GIRLFRIEND VOMITS UP SCRABBLE LETTERS AND THEN PROCEEDS TO SCREAM, QUITE LOUDLY AND GRAPHICALLY]
CIRCE
Has this had the desired effect?
CALLER TWO
[HORRIFIED] WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
CIRCE
[COOL PROFESSIONALISM] I did read the terms and conditions beforehand. All of our hexes are non-refundable, non-negotiable, and non-reversible.
[GIRLFRIEND VOMITS AGAIN]
CALLER TWO
SCRABBLE PIECES ARE COMING OUT OF HER MOUTH!
CIRCE
We run a 2 for 1 deal for returning customers, so please consider us for your next breakup!
CALLER TWO
MY GIRLFRIEND! [FRANTIC PANIC] What- what have you done? Darling I’m so- I’m so sorry
CIRCE
[TALKING OVER THEM] The payment today is for me to be the Godparent of your first child. If you do not intend to have a child, I will also gladly accept a box of frogs. You can find our mailing address on our website!
[GIRLFRIEND VOMITS AGAIN]
CALLER TWO
Oh God… Oh God. [INTRIGUED] Is that, is that, is that triple wordsco- [SNAPPING OUT OF IT] Oh no I’m sorry. Do you want a bucket [PAUSE] or a game board? Oh no, bucket, bucket!
CIRCE
Can I offer you a package deal with our sister service ‘In the woods no one can hear you scream’, B and B’s for Hauntings and the Haunted. I would recommend the Cabins, they’re so good for a romantic getaway.
CALLER TWO
[SOBBING] You’re a monster.
CIRCE
[COMPLETELY UNFAZED] No worries, the offer stands until July. Thank you for calling and please leave us a SCREAM review! Hope to hear from you soon.
[CIRCE HANGS UP]
[OMINOUS TRANSITION MUSIC PLAYS]
SCENE 5
[THE PHONE RINGS AND IS PICKED UP]
MĕrlĮn
[CREEPILY UPBEAT] Hey girlie! It’s me again, Merlin, [GIGGLING] your best friend? I left you a voicemail? Anyways, such a strange coincidence- I think I’m outside your office!
[THE HORRIFIC SOUND OF A PIPE BEING DRAGGED ALONG PAVEMENT]
MĕrlĮn
Helloooo? Are you in there? That’s a joke, haha, I can see you! [DISGUSTED] Don’t love your outfit, by the way, so last century.
CIRCE
[OUTRAGED] You’re outside my OFFICE?
MĕrlĮn
It’s not like you’re hard to find, you’re the first number on google! [SINISTER] I thought we agreed you wouldn’t run this hotline anymore? I’m all about women supporting women, I am, but I just get this bad vibe from you. Your aura is not it. [UPBEAT Where’s your door?
CIRCE
[STERNLY] You need to leave, oh my gosh.
MĕrlĮn
[FAUX DISAPPOINTMENT] That’s not a very nice way to treat a visitor! Let me in.
CIRCE
Merlin, this isn’t a joke. You need to leave.
MĕrlĮn
[ANNOYED] It’s Muhleen, thank you very much. [EXCITED] Oh my God, your window’s broken, silly! Hello!
CIRCE
[TO SELF] I need to call security. Do we have security, Baron??
THE BARON MEWS. MĕrlĮn WALKS OVER THE BROKEN GLASS.
MĕrlĮn
You can’t run, girlie. I know everything about you. My [PRONOUNCED WRONG] tarot cards told me! I know everything about you. I know your real name, Justine!
[CIRCE GASPS]
MĕrlĮn
[FURIOUSLY] Let me in!
[SOMEONE RUNS OMINOUSLY TOWARDS MĕrlĮn]
MĕrlĮn
Ew, who are you?
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
Hello. I notice you are trespassing. Do you have a trespassing permit? You can only trespass with a permit.
MĕrlĮn
[LAUGHING IN DISBELIEF] Excuse me?
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
You are carrying a pipe. That is a weapon. All weapons must be checked in at the front desk. I could escort you therE now?
MĕrlĮn
What? (annoyed) What is wrong with you? AGARAGAAAAA
[SHE SMACKS HER PIPE BLUNTLY INTO HIS HEAD]
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
[DEADPAN] Ow. Why did you do that?
MĕrlĮn
[SHOCKED, STAMMERING] You… you didn’t- you didn’t die.
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
That hurt.
MĕrlĮn
What is WRONG with you people
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
Nothing. [SADLY] Why would you say that?
MĕrlĮn
Well, Pluto’s in retrograde, sometimes I just say things.
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
[SLOWLY, BORINGLY] Uhh.. Well, I may be Taurus Rising and Capricorn Moon and also a Libra Rising from when I rose again, and an INFP and, communication style blue, and enneagram type 2. Grr… But that doesn’t mean that I can commit murder, or stalk my friemds. There is enough room in the world for all of us not-Merlin. This is something you should come to know. Please take this moonstone, it will help you grow. [LECTURING] And if you want to commit murder again you should get a permit. Permits are of the utmost importance.
[BRANDAN GRINDLE FROM HR DROPS THE BOX HE WAS CARRYING WITH A LOUD BANG. THE LEECHES INSIDE SQUIRM GROTESQUELY]
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
[AS WORRIEDLY AS HE CAN SOUND] Oh no, Circes leeches.
MĕrlĮn
[PANICKED] Leeches?
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
[SADLY] Circe loves Leeches
MĕrlĮn
I HATE LEECHES!
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
Oh they won’t hurt you, they might just take a little blood but [ACCIDENTALLY SINISTER] it only tickles.
[THE LEECHES SQUIRM AS HE STICKS HAND IN THE BOX]
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
See?
MĕrlĮn
No, no I can’t-
[MERLIN RECHES.
MĕrlĮn
This place is really messing with my vibes.
[MERLIN DROPS HER PHONE AND RUNS AWAY. BRENDAN GRIMBLE FROM HR PICKS IT UP]
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
Circe?
CIRCE
What’s happened now?
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
[SADDENED] Circe, the leeches… have escaped. Again.
[THE BARON MEOWS]
CIRCE
Oh for fu-
[CIRCE HANGS UP]
[CHEERFUL TRANSITION MUSIC PLAYS]
Scene 6
[THE BARRON IS RETCHING UP A HAIRBALL]
CIRCE
Baron, no don’t you dare. Not in here!
[BARON COUGHS UP THE HAIRBALL WHICH SPLATTERS TO THE GROUND]
CIRCE
Oh come on, not again.
[CIRCE GETS UP, THE DOOR CREAKING BEHIND HER AS SHE LEAVES. THE BARON MEOWS. THE PHONE BEGINS TO RING. IT IS PICKED UP]
CALLER THREE
Hello? Is anybody there? I’m calling about job vacancies, I found your number on google? [PAUSE] Well, I’m available most weekends, and sometimes on a monday, but not usually.
THE BARON
[ECHOING, OMINOUS WIND PLAYS] Can you hear it? The call of the wild? The hunt? The void? Does it sing to you in the wind, in the static? Does it hum in your bones?
It has been sleeping for a thousand years, a mere blink of an eye. It hungers. It watches. It waits, but not for much longer. Soon, it will remember itself, and the world that left it to decay.
It does not know the meaning of human patience. And when it wakes, like a child, it will not know its voice, its meaning, its capacity for destruction. It will only know the way mountains fall when it screams. It will only know the crack of skeletons beneath its limbs. It will only know the comfort of boiling oceans and the chorus of screams.
And all you will hear, all you will know when it begins, is the static. The wind.
[THERE ARE FOOTSTEPS AS CIRCE WALKS BACK DOWN THE CORRIDOR]
THE BARON
Can you hear it? It’s almost here.
[THE DOOR CREAKS AS CIRCE REENTERS]
CIRCE
[AS IF TALKING TO A BABY] Now, Baron, you’re adorable. But please, no more hairballs in the office. And no more mice! I can’t be finding bones by the computer every day, can I? No, because it’s such a mess, isn’t it?
THE BARON
Meow.
CIRCE
Is the phone on?
[SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE]
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
[OMINOUS AS ALWAYS] I will prepare the cleaning crew.
CIRCE
Oh, it’s only a few bones, I’m sure I can use a dustpan and brush-
THE BARON
Meow.
BRENDAN GRINDLE FROM HR
There will be more to come.
[WIND HOWLS GENTLY IN THE BACKGROUND]
Scene 7
VOICE MAIL
Please leave a message after the tone. Beep.
CALLER ONE
[CHIRPILY] Hi again, so, I seem to have been turned into a frog.
[STATIC BUILDS THEN STOPS ABRUPTLY]
[THE CLOSING THEME PLAYS, IT HAS THE SAME CHEERFUL CHORDS AS THE OPENING THEME BUT IS DISTORTED]