Team The Cowboys
Actor: Harlan Guthrie, Dylan Griggs, David Ault
Sound Design: Harlan Guthrie
Director: Harlan Guthrie, Dylan Griggs
Writer: Harlan Guthrie, Dylan Griggs
Composer: Dylan Griggs
Producer: Harlan Guthrie, Dylan Griggs
The non-diegetic music serves as an intro.
We hear the ambiance of a small poker night among friends: room tone, music playing lightly in the background (fade in once non-diegetic music fades out), poker chips, shuffling and dealing of cards, the walla of FRANK and SPENCER saying goodbye to SCOTT. FRANK is scratching at his back the whole time.
SCOTT [LYING, LOOKING FOR A POLITE OUT]
Welp, I’m done losing money to Spencer. I’ll catch you next week?
SPENCER
Same time, same place.
FRANK
You’re gonna look up Lost In The Funhouse like we talked about, right? It sort of defined postmodern lit for decades after it came out.
SCOTT [HALFWAY TO SARCASTIC]
Oh, yeah. Sure. See ya, Spence, Frank.
SPENCER
See ya, Scott.
FRANK
See ya, Scott.
We hear a door open and close. SCOTT is heard from the other side of the door.
SCOTT [CONSIDERABLY PERTURBED.]
[SIGHS.] Jesus Christ, Frank’s books.
FRANK
So, as I was saying: it’s always been interesting to me that Wittengenstien chose a lion of all animals to be the subject of his famous quote: “if a lion could speak, we would not understand him.” It almost sneaks by as an unseen choice, you know? Why a lion? Why not a pigeon? Or even an ape, for whom this saying would almost certainly still be true. A “lion” is a charismatic megafauna. It is the material from which legends are made. It is not only an animal, it is a beast. King Eurystheus’s first task to Hercules was to slay the Nemean lion. Androcles pulled the thorn from the lion’s paw and was later spared by the same lion in the colosseum– a folkloric rebuttal to Wittgenstein many hundreds of years before the fact. Androcles and the lion are surely speaking the same language. The sheer weight of the semiotic baggage of the lion is such a huge choice by Wittgenstein, that I feel like it has to say something about language and the self, ya know what I mean? Because language exists to bridge a sort of epistemological gap, to ensure that we’re not alone inside of our own minds. But if a lion cannot be understood, then we are apart from them, profoundly. And why draw the line at lions? In The Task of The Translator, Walter Benjamin–
SPENCER
I am going to stop you right there. Firstly, because no, I do not know what you mean. I will never know what you mean as long as you continue to talk like that.
FRANK
Well, that’s sort of the point of what I’m saying, isn’t it?
SPENCER
I’M TELLING YOU: I DO NOT KNOW. But the second reason that I stopped you is because you have to stop scratching! It’s driving me crazy. Can you stop? For a minute? Should I leave the room while you get this taken care of?
FRANK
Oh… I must have walked through some poison ivy.
SPENCER
You walked through poison ivy on your shoulder? Were you wandering shirtless through the forest?
FRANK
…Yes?
SPENCER
Bullshit. Someone who has this much to say about… Wittgenstein?… does not go outside. Those are indoor words.
FRANK
I’ve been outside. Before.
SPENCER
And that’s why you’re scratching like you’re trying to peel your skin off? That’s the excuse you’re going with?
FRANK
It’s not an excuse, it’s the truth. As I was saying, Walter Benjamin–
SPENCER
Raise or call, Frank. I’d like to take the rest of your money and wrap up for the night. It’s getting late.
FRANK
Fine. I’m all in.
SPENCER
You’re all in? Frank, that’s a horrible play, even for you.
FRANK
You heard me.
SPENCER
Ok, then, smart guy. Show ‘em.
We hear cards being turned over.
SPENCER
Frank… what the hell was that?
FRANK
To be honest, I know very little about poker.
SPENCER
[Sighing.] You can’t bluff on a 2 and 7 off-suit– I don’t think that I can explain this to you tonight. Why do I subject myself to this every week?
FRANK
I thought that you did it because you like the company.
SPENCER
Well, tonight the company won’t shut up about lions.
FRANK
But, you see, it’s not actually about lions. That’s what I was trying to tell you.
SPENCER
You’re out of money and I’m tired and I have work in the morning. I think it’s about time to start wrapping it up here.
We hear the diegetic music switch over to whatever moment from Malevolent would be funniest to put here. During the music being down, we hear a banging or a groaning or something that the characters don’t notice (a scratching at the wall?).
SPENCER
Whoops. Everything in my jogging playlist is all sorta smushed together. One sec.
FRANK
What is that?
SPENCER
Some shitty podcast I put on when I go on my morning run. [QUIP SOMETHING HERE ABOUT MALEVOLENT.]
The diegetic music returns.
FRANK
Much better.[Pause.] …Do you wanna keep playing? Not for cash?
SPENCER
Frank, you can’t be serious. We’re the only ones left. Can’t you quit while you’re behind?
FRANK
I feel like I need to redeem myself at this point.
SPENCER
That’s not going to happen. In 4 months of weekly poker nights you’ve only ever won one hand and that was a total–
We hear a loud banging noise from in the other room.
SPENCER
–Fluke…
FRANK
Spencer, what the hell was that?
SPENCER [UNCONVINCINGLY]
I… didn’t hear anything. Did you hear something?
We hear another loud banging noise, even louder than before. We hear a framed painting fall off the wall.
FRANK
Spence.
SPENCER
I don’t know what you’re talking about. You say you heard something?
FRANK
Oh, come on. You heard that. The painting fell off the wall.
SPENCER
Oh, well I must not have hung it correctly.
FRANK
No, Spencer. That was too damn loud for you not to have heard. What is going back there? Are you hiding something in your bedroom?
SPENCER
It’s probably just part of the music track.
FRANK
You’re hiding something. What in the world could you be hiding that’s banging against the wall like that?
SPENCER [TALKING OVER]
What was it that you were saying about lions? And how they can talk to people? That’s pretty cool.
FRANK
Okay, I was willing to accept that it was the pipes or something until you started to pull this oblivious act.
SPENCER
It’s the downstairs neighbors.
FRANK
I live downstairs.
SPENCER
It’s the upstairs neighbors.
FRANK
You live on the top floor.
SPENCER
It’s the… sideways neighbors.
FRANK
Those are just called neighbors.
SPENCERS
It’s the neighbors.
FRANK
Oh, then it’s settled then. It’s just the neighbors.
We hear a muffled groaning noise.
FRANK
It’s just the neighbors groaning. The sideways neighbors.
We hear a chair scoot and then another.
SPENCER
Where do you think you’re going?
FRANK
I thought it was obvious. I’m checking on your “sideways neighbors.” See what all the groaning is about. And stopping the music.
We hear the music shut off. Banging and groaning continues.
FRANK
You are clearly invested in me not discovering the source of this noise. It is absurdly suspicious.
SPENCER
Oh yeah? I’m being suspicious? What about you and your “poison ivy”?
FRANK
Huh, what about it?
SPENCER
You’re been scratching at it all night. Give it up, Frank. Something is going on with you. You’ve been acting like you’re about to peel your own skin off. It’s not normal.
FRANK
It’s pretty normal to have a rash.
SPENCER
That’s it. You’re changing into something? Some sort of creature?
FRANK
I don’t know, Spencer, am I? Are we in a fuckin’ Boris Karloff movie? Do you think that you’re playing poker with a secret werewolf?
SPENCER
I know it’s possible. I’ve seen worse than that. More horrific than you can comprehend.
FRANK
Is “worse than that” in your bedroom right now banging on the walls?
SPENCER
Tell me what happened to you.
FRANK
Here, look. Asshole.
We hear FRANK pull his shirt up.
FRANK
See? It’s a rash. I went camping with Doug and Bo last week and we set up too close to some poison ivy. I walked through it trying to find a place to pee when I got up in the morning. I keep scratching at it, so it hasn’t gone away yet. No fur, no fangs. Just me.
SPENCER
Then why were you being so guarded about it?
FRANK
I wasn’t. I told you what happened and you told me I was lying. I was just scratching at it. You’re the one that’s trying to pull something here.
We hear a doorknob begin to rattle and turn, the door opening slightly until it is slammed back shut by SPENCER.
SPENCER [STERNLY]
You aren’t going in there.
FRANK
What the hell could possibly be in there? Huh? What could possibly make calm and cool Spencer act like this?
SPENCER
Frank… [trails off.] Frank, last week I hit a deer while I was driving home from work. It was injured, badly. “Badly” doesn’t even begin to describe it. It was cut nearly in half, but it was still alive when I got out of the car. I could see it, staring out at me, pleading for help with its frantic black eyes. I should have shown it some mercy and killed it there on the spot, but I didn’t. I put it in the back of my car. There’s still blood all over the back seat. I didn’t take it to a vet or anything. I was too ashamed of what I had done. It was suffering because of my carelessness and all a vet was going to do was euthanize it. So I brought it home with me. I thought that if it was going to die, at least it could pass peacefully somewhere safe, not in the cold dark woods. But then morning came and it hadn’t died. It looked like it was gaining back some of its strength. It started to heal. But it didn’t heal back the same way. It… wasn’t a deer anymore. It started growing extra fleshy… tendrils. Extra hooves. Every day, it would grow stronger and further away from its original form. This morning, it began speaking to me. Not verbally. I could think what it was thinking. And it wanted me to bring it sustenance. And it told me… it told me to bring it… you. You and Scott. Human flesh. Flesh to add to its own, it said. And I was thinking what it was thinking, so I had no choice but to consider it. But I couldn’t do that. Just as I couldn’t kill the deer, I couldn’t sacrifice you to it. But, rest assured, it is still thinking about you. It became restless when I decided not to give it what it wants. And that is why you can’t go in there.
FRANK [TAKING A BEAT]
Ok, that’s not funny. I actually believed that you hit a deer and were keeping it alive in your bedroom before you turned it into a joke. I felt bad for you. But, there’s something real in there and you just told me the most unconvincing tall tale I’ve ever heard. And the wilder the deflections get, the more I’m worried about something sinister going on.
SPENCER
Oh, it is sinister.
FRANK
I’ve had enough of this, Spencer.
We hear a struggle over the door, FRANK and SPENCER grunt. Eventually we hear the door open. The creature cries out, unmuffled.
FRANK
…No.
SPENCER
GET OUT OF THE WAY.
We hear SPENCER push FRANK out of the doorway. The creature begins to thrash around, destroying everything in its wake in an attempt to get to FRANK. FRANK cries out.
SPENCER
I TOLD YOU WHAT WAS IN THERE.
FRANK
GET A KNIFE OUT OF THE KITCHEN. FUCK. GET… SOMETHING. HOLY SHIT.
We hear the continual thrashing. The creature kicks the music player which causes it to come back on, loudly.
SPENCER
WHAT DO I DO?
FRANK
KNIFE.
SPENCER
I ONLY HAVE BUTTER KNIVES.
FRANK
SPENCER, THIS THING IS TRYING TO KILL ME. I WOULD APPRECIATE SOME HELP.
SPENCER
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
The struggle continues for a moment.
FRANK
OPEN THE WINDOW.
SPENCER
WHAT?
FRANK
[EXASPERATED.] UGH.
We hear FRANK wrestling with the creature, grabbing it by the horns, steering it to the still-closed window and defenestrating it. The creature lands with a thud on the outside pavement a moment later, letting out a final groan. FRANK is on the floor, panting.
FRANK
You could have at least lied to me.
The non-diegetic music serves as an outro.