Team Once Upon a Nightmare
Actor: Brad Williams,Vitriol Plays,Pandora Beatrix,D.E. Medus
Sound Design: Brad Williams
Director: Brad Williams
Writer: D.K. Trueno,Pandora Beatrix,Vitriol Plays
Composer: Kyle McCuiston,Alex Bloxham
Producer: Brad Williams
FADE IN:
EXT. CHURCH, DAY.
DARIA, JACK, and JAMIE pull into a parking space outside a church in JACK’s car.
JACK shuts the car off.
JACK
So, let me get this straight. You want to spend this beautiful Saturday afternoon in that creepy old church?
JAMIE
We all owe Monsignor Jenkins one.
Some of us owe him more than one. This is the least we can do.
It immediately begins to rain.
JACK
Well, that takes care of the “beautiful day” thing.
They get out of the car and begin to walk toward the church.
JACK (CONT’D)
How does this place even stay open? They’ve been closing churches left and right but this one never even gets shortlisted.
JAMIE
Maybe the Monsignor knows where the bodies are buried.
JACK
Or maybe he’s the one that buried them…
They reach the large wooden doors and open them. They walk inside and greet Monsignor JENKINS.
JENKINS
Well, well, well. I wasn’t sure if you were going to come.
JENKINS (CONT’D) You look well, Daria.
Thank you, Monsignor.
JENKINS
Fortunately, there’s not much left to do. Take this clipboard, try to finish up anything that’s not crossed out.
JAMIE
Looks pretty straightforward. Most of it is in the basement.
JENKINS
About the basement… there’s one room down there that you need to stay away from. Don’t open the door, don’t even go anywhere near it.
DARIA
What? Why? Is it dangerous?
JENKINS Probably not.
JACK Probably not?
JENKINS There’s a… long-standing pest problem in that room. Best to just avoid it. There’s no other door like it down there, so you won’t have trouble identifying it.
JACK
It isn’t… demons, is it?
JAMIE
Jack! Knock it off!
JACK laughs.
JACK
We’ll stay away from the demon room, Monsignor, I promise.
JENKINS
Good. I’ll be in my office upstairs if you need anything. (beat)
There are some artifacts in that basement that are old and…
(MORE)
JENKINS (CONT’D) valuable. Be very careful around them.
DARIA
We will. Thanks, Monsignor.
JENKINS departs up the stairs.
JACK
So what do you think he’s got down there? Holy Grail? Ark of the Covenant?
DARIA
Yeah, Jack. He’s Indiana Jones. You didn’t know?
JACK
Look, all I’m saying is that if I see any face-melting specters floating around, you guys can finish this up without me.
DARIA
As if. Don’t forget, I don’t have to outrun the face-melters, or the demons, I just have to outrun you.
JACK laughs.
JACK
I love you, too, babe.
DARIA laughs.
DARIA
Let’s head downstairs. Maybe we can find some demon-fighting equipment down there. Just in case.
They open a door and descend the stairs.
JACK
Whoa. You guys ever been down here before?
DARIA JAMIE No. No.
JACK
Me either. Jesus.
They continue to walk through the basement, slowly.
There are a lot of Jesuses down here… My grandmother didn’t even have this many in her house. And she was not, you know, a casual Jesus aficionado.
JACK
If she had any more Jesus would’ve taken out a restraining order on her.
DARIA
Do you think Jesus had stalkers?
JACK You mean other than those 12 guys who followed him around everywhere?
DARIA Well, yeah. I mean, he must have, right?
JAMIE
Guys! We’re in a church!
JACK Yeah. We’re in a church basement that’s so goddamn creepy it’d give Wes Craven nightmares.
(beat)
Any sign of the demon room?
DARIA
Stop calling it the “demon room!”
JACK You’re right. It might not be demons.
(beat)
Could be vampires.
DARIA Vampires? Wh– how would vampires make sense?
JACK I don’t know. But vampires are sexy, at least.
DARIA
Yeah. Remember “Interview with the
Vampire?”
JACK
Like you’d ever let me forget
“Interview with the Vampire.” Especially Lestat.
DARIA laughs.
DARIA
That’s a vampire I’d like to
“interview.”
JACK
Alright, that’s fair. I’d leave me for Lestat, too.
The group stops walking.
JAMIE
Okay, I think this is where we’re supposed to start. Room 9. Uh… storage room, move the boxes in here to room 15. Easy peasy.
JACK opens the door, with some difficulty.
JACK Uh…
DARIA What is it?
JACK
This is not a file room.
JACK walks in and bumps into a chess board, sending the pieces clattering to the floor.
DARIA
Dammit, Jack, be careful!
JACK
Sorry! But who puts a chessboard in the middle of a storage room?
DARIA
Just set the pieces back up.
JACK
Um… I have no idea how to set up a chessboard. (beat) What?!
Are we sure the Monsignor isn’t really Indiana Jones?
JACK
I don’t see the Ark of the Covenant, but… Ooh! Is that a sword?
DARIA
Don’t mess with it! It looks old and I do not want to get cursed.
JACK
Why do you think it’s cursed?
DARIA
Why do you think it isn’t?
JACK
You’re just scared that I’ll be declared the rightful King of England.
DARIA
Would you really want that job?
JACK
Nah, not really. Besides, I already have my queen.
JAMIE
Jack! Did you steal one of those chess pieces?
JACK
No! I… never mind.
DARIA
What’s up with this bowl? It’s filled with water, but it doesn’t look like anybody’s been in here for years. Decades, even. Seems like it would’ve dried out by now.
JACK
Maybe there’s a leaky pipe? (beat, trailing off) That’s been leaking for decades but didn’t drip anywhere else… (normal voice) Okay, maybe not.
DARIA takes the bowl and inspects it.
DARIA
There’s something in it.
JACK unsheathes the sword.
JACK
I think you mean “there’s something in it, YOUR MAJESTY!”
JAMIE
Dammit, Jack, what did we tell you about the sword?! Put it down!
JACK
Sorry, one of the demons from the definitely-not-a-demon-room must’ve gotten out and possessed me.
JAMIE Please stop messing around.
JACK bumps into DARIA, who drops the bowl.
DARIA Dammit, Jack!
JACK
Sorry! Sorry! Did it break?
JAMIE
No. But the water is all over the floor now. Something fell out, too. Wait, let me…
JACK Be careful!
JAMIE
Got it. It’s a ring.
JACK
There, see? Nothing’s broken, no harm no foul. Just pop it in your pocket and give it to the Monsignor before we leave.
JAMIE
Good idea. I don’t want it to get lost.
(beat)
And put that sword down!
JACK
Aw, do I have to?
DARIA JAMIE Yes! Yes!
JACK gently puts down the sword.
There is a loud rumble.
DARIA (CONT’D) Did you hear that?
JAMIE
Hear it? I felt it.
JACK
Do I need to pick up the sword again?
DARIA Absolutely not!
JAMIE
Let’s go check in with the Monsignor. We can tell him about that… earthquake? And give him the ring.
DARIA Good call.
They walk down the hallway.
JACK
Hey… is that the…
DARIA Don’t…
JACK DEMON DOOR?!
JAMIE
What’s that on the floor?
DARIA
It looks like a… chalk outline?
JACK
Yeah, for a perfectly round body.
There is a blood-curdling scream from behind the demon door.
JACK (CONT’D) Jesus! What was that?
JAMIE It didn’t sound like rats.
DARIA It sounded like a person.
JAMIE
We have to go in there.
JACK
The Monsignor told us in no uncertain terms to not enter that room.
JAMIE
I think there was a bloodcurdling scream exception implied in there somewhere.
JACK
Did we get that in writing?
DARIA Jack!
JACK Okay, okay!
They rush toward the door. JACK tries to open it but it refuses to open.
JACK (CONT’D) It’s stuck!
JAMIE Let me try.
The door opens easily. A low, throbbing hum emanates from the room.
JACK
Oh. I… loosened it up for you.
DARIA
It’s not a jar of peanut butter, Jack. Did you forget how doors work again?
JACK No! Maybe?
A small demon flies out the door past them.
JACK (CONT’D) Jesus! What was that?
DARIA Um… a rat?
JAMIE
I’m not animal control, but I’m pretty sure rats can’t fly. Or get that big.
(sotty)
Outside New York City, at least.
JACK
And they definitely don’t shriek like that.
DARIA
I’m starting to see the wisdom in avoiding this room.
JACK
Was that what made the noise we heard?
JAMIE
Maybe. But that sounded more… ugh.
DARIA
Human? I didn’t want to say it, but… yeah.
(beat)
Somebody might need help.
JACK
Okay. I’ll go in and take a look.
JACK slowly enters the room.
JACK (CONT’D) Oh, shit.
DARIA and JAMIE enter.
JAMIE
Oh, shit is right. Look at all this blood!
(beat)
Oh my god… is his throat… missing?
DARIA
Who is he? Or… was, I guess.
JACK
I don’t know. I don’t recognize him. But he was a priest. Or at least cosplaying as one.
JAMIE
What’s that next to him?
DARIA
Let’s see… a book and a…
notebook? Jamie, take a look at the notebook, I’ll check out the book.
DARIA hands the notebook to Jamie and begins leafing through the book.
DARIA (CONT’D) Jack, do you want to take a crack at this? It’s in Latin.
JACK
Why would I want to take a crack at a book in Latin?
DARIA
Didn’t you go to Catholic school for like, ten years?
JACK
Bold of you to assume I paid attention.
DARIA
Ugh. Why couldn’t it have been sexy vampires?
JAMIE Uh, guys?
JACK What is it?
JAMIE
Was that… uh… doorway? I guess? There a minute ago?
JACK
It was not. I would’ve noticed the green mood lighting. (beat)
Do you hear that?
They all listen. The wails of the damned are subtly audible.
DARIA
Yes. But I wish I didn’t.
JACK
Um… either I took some peyote before we walked in here and forgot about it or… that light is getting brighter. (beat)
Jamie, anything useful in that notebook?
JAMIE It seems like it’s… half manifesto, half cookbook. So, no, not really.
DARIA
Great. So what do we do?
JACK
Let’s go upstairs and get the Monsignor.
DARIA
That’s the best idea you’ve had all day.
They run down the hallway and upstairs.
JACK What the hell?
JAMIE
How is it night? Is there supposed to be an eclipse today? I’ll go get the Monsignor, you guys look outside and see if it looks… eclipsey.
JACK On it.
JACK and DARIA go outside.
DARIA
This doesn’t look like an eclipse.
JACK
No, it looks like night. With no moon. Or stars. (beat)
I’m going to try the door.
JACK tries the doors. There is a supernatural noise and he’s knocked backward.
DARIA
Jack! Are you alright?
JACK
I’m fine… but I think we’re stuck in here.
JAMIE comes down the stairs and joins them.
JAMIE
Alright. Let’s go back downstairs. We are on our own. I’ll take another look at that notebook, and maybe there are… I don’t know, pictures? Diagrams? In the fancy book.
JACK
Good plan. Daria and I will see if we can corral whatever the hell flew out of that room at us.
They go back into the basement.
DARIA
Wait. That’s the demon room, isn’t it?
JAMIE
Yeah. What’s wrong?
DARIA
It wasn’t there when we left. It was down that other hallway, to the left.
JACK
So it’s following us? Jesus…
JAMIE
Hey, take a look at this. That circle we saw on the floor. It looks like we… put a gap in it when we rushed into the room.
JACK Is that… salt?
DARIA
Wait, I’ve heard of this! A salt circle is used to keep… uh… evil creatures contained.
JACK
And we made a demon doggie door in it.
JAMIE
So if you two can find that thing and bring it back here, we can trap it if we fix the circle.
DARIA
Don’t look at me, all I know about this is what I saw on “Charmed.”
JACK
Original or reboot?
DARIA Reboot.
JACK We’re doomed.
JAMIE sighs.
JAMIE
Great. Well… just try to find it.
The demon makes a noise nearby.
JACK
Okay, we’ve got this covered…
DARIA
(interrupting) We do?
JACK
You take a look at the priest’s stuff and see if anything jumps out at you.
(beat)
Okay, poor choice of words. You know what I mean.
JAMIE goes into the demon room. JACK and DARIA pursue the demon.
JACK (CONT’D) How do we bait it?
DARIA
I don’t know… if it was a sexy vampire I’d just kind of… provocatively show off my neck or something. But demons? I have no idea.
JACK Wait. I have an idea.
JACK pulls something from his pocket.
DARIA
A Clif Bar? Seriously?
JACK
The priest looked… chewed, so maybe it’s hungry. If I was carrying, like, a rack of lamb in my pocket I’d use that, but this is the best I can do. And it’s not like we can go get it a bag of Demon Chow, even if that was a thing, because we can’t leave.
DARIA
Okay, okay! Maybe we’ll get lucky and it’s training for a 5K or something.
JACK
Wait. I need to grab something.
JACK darts into a room. He emerges a moment later.
DARIA
You took the sword? Seriously? I’m surprised you’re not wearing a cape.
JACK You saw a cape?!
DARIA
For God’s sake… just unwrap it and put it in the middle of the floor. That should draw it out, and then we can see if it’ll chase us into that room.
JACK
And then what? We’re trapped in a room with what I’m pretty sure is a portal to hell and a tiny demon that’s probably pissed off because we gave him a protein bar and not, like, human flesh?
DARIA
You have a better idea?
JACK I do not.
(beat)
Okay, here goes. Clif Bar away.
JACK tosses the Clif Bar down the hallway. It skitters to a stop.
The demon snarls as it picks up the smell. It trots to the protein bar and gobbles it up.
JACK stands up.
JACK (CONT’D) Hey! Asshole! We don’t take too kindly to killing priests around these parts.
DARIA
(sotto)
“Around these parts?” Are we in a western now? And why are you taunting it?!
JACK
(sotto)
It felt right in the moment!
(beat)
Man, I wish I had a cape…
DARIA Run!
JACK and DARIA run for the demon room, the demon close behind, snarling hungrily.
JACK
I knew I should’ve brought a rack of lamb…
(beat)
Jamie! We’re coming in hot!
They run through the doorway.
JACK (CONT’D) Hey! Don’t look at them, you little pain in the ass, look at me. Come on. I know what you’re thinking. I’m just another crazy mortal with a sword, but let me tell you something…
DARIA
What the hell are you doing?
JACK
(sotto)
Distracting it! Fix the circle!
DARIA Oh! Right!
DARIA pushes the salt back into place.
DARIA (CONT’D) Got it!
JACK
I really wish I knew how to use a sword…
JACK slashes the demon and fells it in one swipe.
DARIA
Whoa. Guess you didn’t need a cape after all. How did you do that?
JACK
I have no idea. The sword did all the work.
DARIA
Okay, great. Demon-killing sword.
Why not?
(beat)
Jamie, did you come up with anything?
JAMIE
Well, the increasingly loud screams of the damned are very distracting, but best I can tell, the ring being immersed in holy water might have been what was keeping the portal closed.
DARIA
And us dumping it out of that bowl is allowing it to open up. (beat)
Definitely not how I wanted to spend my Saturday.
JAMIE
I might have a fix, but most of this is in Latin, which… well, I can pronounce it from chorus practice, but not understand it. Based on the illustrations, wearing the ring and reading the right incantation from the book should close the door and undo whatever’s keeping us inside this little bubble long enough to put everything back in place.
JACK
Okay, sounds easy enough.
JAMIE
Well… I’ve narrowed it down to two incantations. One closes it and one opens it up all the way.
JACK
Oh. So… flip a coin?
JAMIE
I was hoping you have enough Latin rattling around in there somewhere that you might be able to give us a slightly better than 50% chance of not, you know, ending the world.
JACK Uh…
DARIA
Tell you what. If you get us out of this…
DARIA whispers something in JACK’s ear.
JACK
Give me that book.
JACK looks at the book.
JACK (CONT’D) Okay, I think it’s this one. See this? I think it means “close the door.”
JAMIE Are you sure?
JACK No.
JAMIE sighs.
JAMIE
You could have at least lied to me.
(beat)
I don’t have a lot of experience with interdimensional portals, but if I had to guess, this one looks like it’s about ready to pop. Here goes nothing. You might want to… stand back?
JAMIE begins to read. Her tone is epic.
JAMIE (CONT’D)
[Chants in Latin]
The portal closes down with a slam and a supernatural flourish.
DARIA So… that’s it?
JACK
I don’t hear any wailing. That’s a good sign.
JAMIE
Let’s go upstairs. See if it’s…
you know, daytime again.
They leave the room, and go up the stairs.
The Monsignor is waiting for them.
JENKINS
Well. I think you’ve done quite enough for today. (beat)
Closing a gateway to a nether dimension is more valuable than moving a few boxes around…
(MORE)
JENKINS (CONT’D) even if you were the reason it started to open in the first place.
JAMIE You knew?
JENKINS Of course. I felt the… disturbance, but then it passed. That’s when I knew that you’d closed the portal. Good thing you did, too… once you’d shifted into the shadow realm, there was nothing I could do to help.
(beat)
I assume you used the holy water that was in the crate the ring and its vessel were sitting on to reimmerse it?
JACK
There was a crate of holy water?!
JENKINS
It’s alright. Just give me the ring and I’ll take care of it.
DARIA Jamie has it.
(beat)
Where is Jamie?
DARIA’s phone rings.
DARIA (CONT’D) It’s her. Maybe she needed some air. I’ll put it on speaker.
JAMIE
(on speaker, driving) It’s been a blast, kids, but I’ve got things to do and more people to possess. Thanks for keeping the portal open long enough to let me sneak through.
JACK
Oh, no… where are my keys? Did she steal my car? Dammit!
DARIA
You monster. Bring her back!
JAMIE
What’s your offer? Another protein bar? Nah, I’m good.
JENKINS
(sternly)
Sinite plaustra.
NOTE: PRONOUNCED “SEE-NEE-TAY PLA-OO-STRAH”
The car sputters to a stop.
JAMIE
Wow. Wow. Spoilsport.
JACK
Nice! Sacred kill-switch. Let’s go get her.
JENKINS
My car’s in the alley. Here.
JENKINS tosses the keys to JACK. DARIA intercepts them.
JACK Hey!
DARIA I’m driving.
JENKINS
Jack? Take this. You’ll need it to track the demon.
JENKINS tosses a cloth garment to JACK.
JACK
Ha! Told you! Now I’m ready.
DARIA
Of course it’s a cape…